Woohoo

Angsty post last night....dreams dreams dreams. Talked to Scituate for about 4 hours, and made her phone die. I love that. She made me feel TONS better. So much so that I'm going to sweep her away. I got me a new-fangled checking account finally. I finally had the funds available to be able to open an account with one of the credit unions today. It's turning out to be a good day, so I think I'm gonna take a nap. Hope I talk to you tonight. Let's go to Dennys, and make love on the beach somewhere. Whoa, it's almost 4:20...time to get blacked. I'll talk to you today.

Thoughts (thoughts, thoughts)

The rain beats a somber melody on the shingles of the roof. It seems to wash this world clean of all discourse, and as it falls in sheets, I am reminded of the mortality of myself. I shine like silver at times, and other times my tarnish shows through like dark rust spots. I am my own enemy. It would seem that no matter what I do to try and become happy, I am constantly reminded that nothing in life is fair, just or moral. I take too many risks, and as the rain falls, and the smoke from my cigarette barrels out of my nostrils and my mouth, I taste the sickly sweet tobacco flavor. The radio seems to be my only friend these days, my only coherence. The trustworthy alliance that has formed between us eliminates everything. Anything. One phone call to destroy everything, and as I hung up the phone, I realized that I have made terrible decisions at times. I have made mistakes. I hid from my responsibility for a week. I'm starting to realize how alone I can be. How melancholy that makes me. I miss my old life, my feelings of accomplishment and my understanding of the world around me. I didn't have to be in control. I could just be. The drugs don't work. The fact that I self-medicate makes me more pronounced in my depression, and the sometimes the loneliness gets so intense I want to run screaming. I want to be heard. I feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a crowd and screaming at the top of my lungs yet no one hears me. People walk past me as if I don't exist. Do I exist? Maybe that's why I don't mind pain. It makes me feel alive at times. It reminds me that I am not only mortal, but capable. I couldn't ever hurt myself though. I'm fumbling my way through this feeble card-house of moral insubordination. I believe I can shine. I believe that I deserve a chance. I believe that the intensity of myself makes me want to destroy that which I love the most. Myself. My constant battle with sanity makes me hurt so bad. It makes me feel trapped inside my own skin, struggling with invisible restraints, and desperately trying to breathe. I am the water that I am drowning in. I am the reason for my own destruction. I am the madness that builds inside my head every day, slowly forcing me to connect, conform and attach. I hate myself today. I hate everything about this stupid, irresponsible boy that is staring back at me in the mirror, and I wish for one moment to be someone else. My mind echoes as the words flow out of my fingertips, parasitically needing me to afford them a voice. I don't want this voice. I don't want these thoughts. I don't want to sit here and be the muse for the twisted clown that is living inside of me. Anger has taken ahold of me and I want to lash out. I want to throw everything off this desk and scream, and cry, and remember. I want to burn old pictures of my smile. I have so many things to say. Why did you have to leave me? Why did I have to accept my fate as such? Why could I not have grabbed ahold of you and shoveled this frustration down your throat. Why can't I feel anymore? It's all your fault. Everything is all your fault. I hate every bit of you for crumbling my world, and the fact that you're happy makes me want to destroy that. I want you to know this pain. I want you to know this battle that I wage when I wake up every morning. I'm so alone. God, I'm so alone. Someone please help me, I'm slowly falling apart.

Lyrics

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows Turn on Winston in the den And I'm still asleep but I hear the piano play When you make breakfast after 10 And I smell the coffee on your fingers I still smell the perfume in the bed The crushed linen roses on everything And you're still inside my head You got to make her know how it feels to miss you Let her know you're swapping sides You're not the one with all the problems You're the one with all the pride So just pick your head up boy, and Walk away Walk the coolest walk that you know Cause in a month or two she'll call you You gotta hang up the phone I hope she knows I've got this memory That won't ever seem to break or bend A thick lock and sheet rock is on the windows in the kitchen I don't think I'll ever take 'em down again I've learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups And fuck ups and fake ups Things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehend But for now I'll lace up these wing tip shoes, boys And I'll go and have breakfast with my good friends You got to make her know how it feels to miss you You got to let her know you're swapping sides You're not the one with all the problems You're the one with all the pride You got to make her know how it feels to miss you Let her know you're swapping spit You're not the one with all the problems She's the one that's full of shit So just pick your head up boys and Walk away Walk the coolest walk that you know In a month or two she'll call you You got to Hang up the phone ...

As much as i ...

As much as i don't want to say this...i think i'm falling into the L word... Please be careful with my heart...it's been broken too many times.

The events of yesterday...

Yesterday was a seriously screwed up day. I went to work as usual, but something made me feel like not getting a little off canter before I left. I'm glad I didn't smoke, because it would have probably resulted in something worse that what happened. About 4pm yesterday, I was sweeping broken glass, and wood off of a trailer at the local dump. You see, right now I'm working doing vinyl siding for my cousin. It's not bad money, and it's consistent work. A lot better than my insurance ventures, yet hard work nonetheless. Anyhow, I was sweeping the glass with my right foot, a practice that I had engaged in multiple times, and as the last load was being swept off, I managed to imbed a 3 inch shard of glass into the inside of my foot, and out the top of it. I instantly started bleeding profusely, and being that the shard appeared to only be an inch or so into my shoe, and my foot I figured I had hurt myself, but not as badly as I did. Luckily Scotty was quick to think, and he grabbed a pair of pliers, and removed the glass shard. It was huge. I thought that it had just stabbed me lightly, yet as I said, it went into the side of my foot, and appeared out of the top of it. Ruined a perfectly good pair of New Balance shoes too, which pissed me off more than anything. I liked those shoes. It also sliced through a nice pair of socks, that kept me warm in the mornings. Anyhow, I was driven on the back of a trailer, and up to the entrance of the dump, whereby an ambulance was en route to pick me up. The paramedics arrived, and removed my sock, and my makeshift tourniquet. They looked at the wound, and decided that they better take me to the hospital. It was in the emergency room, that I received three stitches, two on the side of my foot, and one on the top, and was given not only one antibiotic shot, but a Tetnus shot as well. The worst part was when the Doc was cleaning the wound, he used a syringe, and it shot saline solution in from the top hole and out the side. It was pretty gross. They dressed it, and released me. Luckily Drew came to get me. We tooled around, and applied some 4:20 therapy, which seemed to help immensely. Let me state that for the record Medical marijuana should be leagalized ASAP. So now I walk with a cane, and a limp. Hopefully I'll be able to work soon. I'm pissed at the fact that I can't get around very well. When your body doesn't do what you want it to do, then it makes you feel like an invalid. Also I found out that my antibiotic is going to cost me about 100 bucks. Which I can't really afford right now, however, I guess I have to have it. Scituate may have to wait another week before she sees me due to this. Stupid foot. A talk with her seemed to make me feel tons better though, and even though I was a little off canter, we did have a pretty good conversation. I missed her all day, and to come home and have to explain that I'm a dumb ass was a humbling moment. Well, like Iggy Pop said, "Got a lust for life!" I'm still here, and yesterday for once I felt like I wasn't invincible, so it makes me realize that I can be hurt, or killed at any moment, and I should enjoy my time with the people that I love. I'm still missing her, and waiting for her to arrive, so maybe I can feel a bit better. It's going to be a while before I can drive, and walk right. Possibly a few days at the least, and maybe a week at the longest. Oh well, I guess that I'm gonna just have to be patient again. A test of my resolve is something that I need today. Honeybabe, I miss you. Hurry up and wake up.

Lyrics

Ugly Side Blue October I must have sneezedOn knees I freezeI mean I just choked upSomehow I sleptI dream, I meanI dreamt of nothingAble to breatheA sweet reliefNow that you're here with meA northern degreeDove into meNow I'm recovering(Chorus)I only want you to seeMy favorite part of meAnd not my ugly sideNot my ugly sideHook up a C.B. Wave a wayFor conversation flowI'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rageDon't let me goA kick and a scream is all that seemsTo mean a lot thus farI won't let you on my stage, my pageYou can't knowYet you have to know(Chorus)So calm... and now it's darkI look for you to light my heartI'm in between the moon and where you areI know... I can't be far

Some things I don't necessarily agree with.

Ok, for those of you that read my journal, it's very often that I post things about that special someone in my life currently. It's often that I fill pages and pages with prose, and poetry, and sometimes a subtle grasp on the lucid dreams that are my day to day thoughts. Some of you know me as sweet and silly, and others, assholish and deviod of tact. This is going to be the latter of the two. Just a warning. If you'd like to proceed, then please do. Some things that I don't necessarily agree with 1. People who forward things to me in email, and don't remove the headers. I don't want to know first off, who the fuck everyone in the world that has gotten this email about the little white frog of inner peace, is, and second off what each person's signature is. It's bad enough that I get spam in my mailbox that pisses me off, but to actually have friends that are obnoxious enough to send you forwards is just a jaunt at stupidity. Let's face it, there is no Angel of Truth, Butterfly of Happiness, Lizard of Anal Sex, or Fairy of Cock Smoking. If there was we'd have a holiday devoted to them. (hmmm...good thought) I just for once want to celebrate "Giant Moth of Stupidity day. It's on my calendar, right next to "Give Your Momma the Finger Day." 2. People who post rude comments in public forum. Although it may seem that I am being hypocritical, I am not. When someone makes a personal attack toward another person's behavior, it gets to me. Especially if that person is close to me. I'm not out here to judge anyone's behavior but my own. I am strongly opinionated, yet I think that my opinions are my right, and if someone says something destructive, conflictual, or just plain moronic, then I'm going to lash out. Stupid people piss me off, almost as much as control freaks. 3. Short emails from people checking up on you. This is the most lackadasical way of communicating. Does it mean that you're thinking about me? Does it mean you're trying a feeble attempt at talking to me after who knows how long? Does it mean that I need to slap you in the face next time I see you? I think that's the one. I think that people who send short emails, and don't include anything aside from "Hey, how are you?" should be dragged out into the streets, and beaten severely with a sock full of hot nickels. 4. People who have tried smoking pot one or two times, and claiming that drugs ruined their lives. If you have a problem controlling your substances, I don't want to hear about it. I can control my substances. I don't drink myself stupid every night. I have no patience for people who assume a lifestyle such as straightedge, just because it's cool. Fad people make me want to transmogrify into a Tyrannosaurs Rex, and eat them. Just cause you're trying hard to fit in doesn't mean that you have a right to try to change my lifestyle. This goes the same for the religion freaks too. Please form a line to the left, and the slapping will commence. 5. My final gripe, ignorance. If you're too ignorant to understand something, and instead you have to "Fake" your way through it, then kudos to you. You're a meat head who should be pushed into oncoming traffic. If you don't understand something, then ask someone who does. If you're too stupid to live, then I say let the chips fall where they may. Get a clue before you try bouncing your half-assed knowledge my way. I am not a stupid man, and I have experience in a lot of different areas. Not to say I'm not wrong sometimes, there are times when I am. I will let you know if I don't understand. The same should hold true for you. Ok, that's my bitches, I have about 15 more, but I have a friend waiting on me, so I don't want to go any farther. This is not designed to infuriate people, but if it did, then I encourage you to seek outside help. My opinions are my own, and your opinions are your own. Good luck with the introspection, don't burn the fucking house down. My $.02

Twentysomethings

The title of a book I never wrote. A daft and pointless attempt at psychobabble for the masses. It would have been the most annoying piece of drivel ever written. Who wants to hear about the lives of a group of friends in their twenties. Although, I think I've changed my perspective. I think I will write the book. I think I'll write it from different places, different people, and different points of view. Maybe I'll even put you in there somewhere. I gained a bit of contempt for my flip-flops tonight. Not because you don't like them, but because you stuck up for me. That makes me really understand how much you like me. And the moment, don't let me lie to you and tell you it's not been a thought that has been on my mind as well. Texas huh? A bit unbecoming, but a fitting nickname. I do call you Scituate. Maybe that's my fault. Needle in the hay runs over and over, and I realize how abstract this post is getting. A lot of things were said tonight, and I can still hear your voice ringing in my ears. It's wonderful. Thanks for the wake up call. For some reason I have trouble getting my thoughts together. I feel discombobulated. Maybe I shouldn't smoke before I go into work. Although it does make the day pass a lot faster. Of course, if I could be home all day I'd love it too. That means more time to do the things I want to do. I need a cold beer, because I haven't had one. I need to sleep. I need to remember that I have a demanding job. I hate being controlled by the things that fuel our society. Money, power, fame. Oh well. This is becoming a rant, and a rave. I don't know where it's going. Kamakazi aeroplane time. Let's get lost in each other, on a couch somewhere. Goodnight love. I'll talk to you today.

:D

austinscorpio23's LiveJournal Secret Crush Stats The below statistics indicate what sorta crushes austinscorpio23 has on his LJ friends!No Crush87.5%Secret Crush0.0%Public Crush12.5%Ex-Crush0.0%What are your LiveJournal Secret Crush Stats?Tired of the sickly Suicide Girls? Faux geek porn got you down?Check out That Strange Girl.

I may be ugly, but I got personality!!

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Gregariousness ||||||||||||||| 42% Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 75% Trust ||||||||| 30% Morality ||||||||||||||| 42% Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Cooperation ||||||||||||||| 42% Modesty |||||| 18% Sympathy ||||||||||||||| 46% Friendliness ||||||||||||||| 42% Self-Efficacy ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Neatness ||||||||||||||| 46% Dutifulness ||||||||||||||| 46% Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 51% Anxiety ||||||||||||||| 46% Anger |||||| 18% Depression |||||||||||| 34% Self-Consciousness |||||||||||| 38% Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Vulnerability ||||||||| 22% Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 64% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Emotionality |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Liberalism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 84%

thoughts

Listening to Blue October, I hear the solace in your voice. It seems to reflect a dull echo of the times when you have felt less than happy. A solemn reminder that sometimes even at our most liberated, we feel trapped. Sometimes inside of our own skins. I don't envy your moment of insecurity, and I hope that it was just such, a moment. A time at which you needed to write, and express, and let that which drives you insane get a small taste of vengence. I know you better with every passing day, and you have become an obsession. One of which makes me want to change my life around to be near you. One of which that truly makes me see the depth inside of myself, and those around me. I thought about you all day, and amidst the sound of power tools, and the constant laughter of my peers, I smiled insanely. Knowing, that coming home would warrant another chance to speak to you, in that language that only we understand. The little things matter, as you say, and I don't want them to ever stop. You have a piece of my heart that I think has always been reserved for you. I guess it was just waiting to be picked up. "I could sit here for hours, waiting on your arrival. I could sit here for days just hoping you'd come out and play."Come out and play, because I need you.

I'm together when I'm with you...

I feel happier than I've felt in days. I feel stronger than I have, and my affirmed fears of you losing interest have been condemned to my own insecurities. I love the way we dance. I love the effortless conversation that makes me want to fall in love with you. I love to hear you breathing, and that giddy voice you get when you make a great point. I love the way you laugh, and the smile that stretched ear to ear when I can feel you inside my head. I love the way you call me sweet pea, and remind me that the phone has been charging for an hour. That means we get one and a half of talk time. I love how you spend your minutes wishing I was there, holding you, and letting myself spill over into your heart. When the emotion gets to much, and we have to just sit there taking it all in, and letting it all go, that's when I feel truly free. Like someone has just opened my cage door, and let me out. I can't explain myself sometimes, I can't make you understand that if you're game, then I promise to be there as long as you let me. I'm in it for the long run. I'm not a fly by night. I want to be the boy that grabs ahold of your heart and never lets go. I want to be the boy that makes your knees weak now, and later. You're so comfortable, it's scary. You're so easy to talk to. You're so close, that I could reach over and tousle your hair. Damn the distance, cause I know that if we want to be together bad enough then we will. I miss your voice. I miss the feeling of together that I have when I talk to you, and although the conversation sometimes turns into heated discussion, I never forget that I feel more complete when you're on the other end of that line. What have I gotten myself into?

Missing you...

So many people to love in my life, Why do I worry about one? I should have been here. I should have been here. I should have been here.

Wondering...

I hope you called the airline today. Things have been weird. I spent the night, last night with some friends. I'm about to go ice skating. I'm sorry my poem freaked you out. I hope being in your own little world doesn't equate with being distant. I'm happy, and achy at the same time. I think I'm getting another headache. Hmmm....cool song, and it's hard for me to think that there wasn't a little bit of influential aspects as a result of our conversations. If there was then that's ok. If there wasn't and I'm naive, then I can understand that. Call the airline. Let me know. I'll be here at the same bat-time on the same bat-channel. Withdrawlwithdrawlwithdrawl I need to dance.

I'm a freak...

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leavesyour partner bedazzled and maybe even feelinghe/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kissthat never lessens and always blows yourpartner away like the first time. What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Quizilla means I'm bored...

You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hateauthority and do everything you can to getaround the law, or in some cases, break it.Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once adecision is made. Your nature is fiery andcourageous, and always out-going. You loveattention and usually have kinky fetishesyou're not afraid to explore. People eitherlove you or hate you. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla

Whelp..looks like I'm a hippy...

I am a HippyWhich America Hating Minority Are You?Take More Robert & Tim QuizzesWatch Robert & Tim Cartoons

To the beat poets...

Music, Like some broke down necessity, fleeting, ringing in my head and letting me let go Feeling high, yet touching down, grounded, Lyrical alchemy, and wondering, if I smoked, yet i haven't. Music, like the beats of the late poets Jazzy, background to something that was very important, a culture Marijuana and Jazz in the Kerouac sense Stifling the rumors, and taking control of my senses, however unseen They had the music, they had the music, they HAD the MUSIC In the off canter, couch-locked, trumpet, saxophone, style In the snare drum, hum-drum, hits, hits of something that was faint a lyrical balance letting the world know how they felt How their influences were felt In the stand up, bass line, of standing up, and reaching out, to speak your mind Tapping their feet to the rythms and tapping their souls to the music, letting the mic do all the work In the sense of the revolution, Che Gueveras of their time, my time, our time, our time, to hear, That ringing in our ears, That stinging on our breath, To spit the words of the soul out onto the small crowded bars, As piano men played piano songs, and drummers drummed the stances, cadences In time, or out of time, right on time. This is for you my collegues, my inspirations, my music loving, hard feeling, need induced brothers and sisters You filled smoke filled rooms with a passion of anxiety, With a revolution. With a statement about "How it was..." How it should go down How true lyrical jazz should sound Smoking stale cigarettes, and drinking heavily, Black, and White, Hispanic, or his panic? Beat gods, and goddesses. Or maybe just martyrs of a generation that would never understand.

Headache

Here we go again...time for another headache. I hate these stupid things. I think the culmination of my smoking and my bad caffiene habits cause me to feel as if my head is going to fall off my shoulders in a lump on the floor. I want to lay down. I want to give Lauren a hug. These usually are just a mild pain, and I get over it quickly, usually a few tylenol and I'm fine. Sometimes they get worse though. I used to get migranes...fucking theophyllene. Asthma Meds that give you a splitting headache for three or four days in a row suck. I need to smoke a joint, or a bowl. I need to let the world slip away. Maybe that'll help. I'm awating my trip so badly. I want to be there today. I want to see her face, and kiss every square inch of it. I want to sit and listen to music and get drunk. I want to kiss her eyes. I hope she likes me. I hope she sees in me what I see in her. Fucking head, is making it hard to think. Calgon take me the fuck away. Hi to my new friend, you know who you are. I hope I can keep you entertained. I think I'm gonna go to bed in a while...it's 2:45 in the morning anyway...

Dammiot Brittney

You know, it really fucks with my world when you don't show me yourself. It's like you're fucking hiding from me. That pisses me off. I have known you for a fucking year, and just because you get a god damned boyfriend doesn't mean that you get to abandon our friendship. I was there when you thought that he felt like you were yucky. I was there when you were fucking upset about your goggles, and your braces. I was there when you had no one else to talk to, for weeks in a row, because you can't let your true feelings show. That's fucked up. I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking for you to not hide from me. I'm here to be your friend. I'm here to care about you. When the walls go up I go away. Fuck this...I can't believe that you would pull this shit. You out of all people.

hmmm

Talked to you tonight... I miss you already... I want to see you so bad that it aches in my stomach.... Soon is not soon enough, January 29th is two weeks away...and I miss you.. I know that you're going to like me... I think that I'm going to fall in love with you... And I know 7 days isn't going to be long enough to explore you All the depth and complexity I miss you... I'm talking to a friend online, and I wish it were you. How bad is that? You think you're emotionally attached...argh... I love these butterflies and I miss you when you're not talking to me No matter what I say, it'll never be enough To just explain that I know you Like I know myself Like I know that we're terrible for each other But perfect for one another Let the free fall continue...

Things are looking up...this has to be fate..

Ok, today was a good day. I still need to call United to see about the trip. I came across another 200 bucks that I didn't expect to have, it's gotta be fate. Now I have a little money for the trip, and hopefully The Airline will see things my way. I'm coming darlin, I'm coming as fast as I can.

I am a ROCK GOD!

Good. You know your music. You should be able towork at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick andBarry Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One) brought to you by Quizilla

Perfect for this situation

I can't meetLosing sleep over thisNo I can'tAnd now I cannot stop pacingGive me a few hoursI'll have this all sorted outIf my mind would just stop racingCause I cannot stand stillI can be this unsturdyThis cannot be happeningThis is over my headBut underneath my feetCause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beatAnd everything will be back to the way that it wasI wish that it was just that easyCause I'm waiting for tonightBeen waiting for tomoroowI'm somewhere in betweenWhat is realJust a dreamWhat is realJust a dreamWhat is realJust a dreamWould you catch me if I fall out of what I fell inDont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet againI don't want to run away from thisI know that I just don't need thisCause I cannot stand stillI can be this unsturdyThis cannot be happeningCause I'm waiting for tonightBeen waiting for tomorrowAnd I'm somewhere in betweenWhat is realJust a dreamWhat is realJust a dreamWhat is realJust a dreamWhat is real just a dream

Frustrated

People are frustrating me today. Their stupidity is making me want to slap somebody. I hate people who are fashionably fat. Who don't care enough about themselves to stop shoving twinkies down their throats.. I hate it when they make it a lifestyle. As if being obese is a trend. They even wear clothes that make me frustrated... I hate people that nudge up against you in the grocery store. I hate people that race you to the line just so they can buy three things before you can buy 20. I'd have let you go lady, I'd have let you cut, but you had to be a bitch. And learn fucking english for Christ's sake. I did. Jesus. large crowds freak me out. People who are unintelligent freak me out. People who are too stupid to live should be shot. I did enjoy getting checked out by a few cute girls though. Thus ends another trip to the supermarket.

The Austin Poetry Project

Hey Guys and Gals, First off thank you for taking the time to read this post, I'll make it short and sweet. I'm currently taking new and unpublished works for The Austin Poetry Project, A book that is going to be showcasing the works of Austin poets, and possibly some free verse as well. Poems can be in any format, and there is no limit to length, content or style. The only requirement is that you are living or have lived in Austin, TX. The benefits for you folks who are nice enough to reply, and send in submissions are as follows: Publicity. Your poem could be selected to appear in the published version of The Austin Poetry Project.Financial Compensation. If chosen to be published, you could depending on the sponsers we recieve, recieve a little financial compensation for your efforts and hard work. True Grit. Everyone wants to have a war story about themselves that refelects positively. If you enter and are chosen to be in The Austin Poetry Project, then you are supporting austin poets, and at the same time, will be able to tell people that you were published.This project is getting off the ground currently, and is slated for release in fall of 2004, so you have a little time. I will be setting a deadline for entry submissions but that date is not in stone yet. I'm also expecting a ton of submissions, as livejournal is not the only place I'm posting this. I'm also going to do a bunch of field work in the areas that would attract poets. Austin clubs, coffee shops, publishing companies etc. So it is imperative that if you would like to enter, you do it soon. Those of you who are on my friends list, please send me a msg if you are interested. I'm also accepting poem submissions via my email, so if you'd rather mail a submission to me, then please make sure it's in Microsoft Word, or Text format. No executables, or zip files please. I'm on an iBook out here, so I can't open any files that are not mac specific. I'm also looking for people to help on a volunteer basis, with editing, typing, and other little tasks persuant to the publication process. If you have experiance in this field, or in journalism, or publishing in general I would love your help. Also if you'd like to make a mark on history then I'm sure I can find something for you to do. I need people who are reliable, and stable.Contact me if you have any questions, and please share this message with any poets or writers in the Austin area you know.Cheers, --Matt

I'm sorry..

It's too late in the afternoon, for an apology. It's too late to take back the things that make you panic. It's too late to say I'm sorry, but I am. And even though I know that I put undue pressure on you, I'm not sorry for the way I make you feel. I'm not sorry for the way you make me feel. I want to sit here and play guitar until I'm invincible again, and I've been waiting for you to brighten my day all afternoon. I let my heart lead me too much sometimes, and damned if I don't make mistakes in the process. This is not one of those times.

Comfortable Silences

I sit in the dark of the early morning once again tonight with thoughts racing in my head. How badly I want to touch you. How much I crave to hold you. Three days and I'm floating. I'm upended by this wonderful person who makes me feel so innocent, so deep. Who allows me to be myself, and actually accepts it. It's been so long since someone has accepted me. With each action there is equal and opposite reaction. As is such I'm doing stupid, childish things. I want to run full speed ahead. I make believe that you're close to me, but it's not nearly close enough. I want to walk into the next room, and see the way your face lights up. I want to stand in front of you, and see the lights that I have placed in your eyes. I want you to feel the seratonin rush. I knew, just like you do. I have known. I've known since you first laughed at me. I want to speak our own language. I want the job of making you happy. I will make you happy. I promise to do that for as long as you'll let me.

Xjournal

Just got a neat little app to work with my iBook...The new Scooby Doo is weird as hell. I need to smoke some pot before I watch it again. It's freaking me out.

Life at 6am...how am I gonna sleep like this?

"And every word is nonsense, but I understand..."

5:28 am - Sleep beckons to me like a mistress, and the sounds of the night seem to make me feel alive again. The conversation we had earlier made me destroy all principles of what I think things should be like. I'm the exception to every rule. I am the feeling of longing. I am that dull ache and that wish of collaboration. I feel my heart pumping in my head, and the slight smell of smoke echoes aimlessly through my nostrils. I take another drag, and digress into the thoughts of earlier. I love the way you laugh at me, when I'm being stupid. I love the way you complement me on the little things. My accent, my thought process. I did it to myself again, I let my mind wander through things I shouldn't have. I let my insomnia take over and let my poetic nature lead me astray of sleep. I should be cast into the depths of deep slumber. You invaded my dreams last night, and although I had not the audacity to tell you, it was strangely familiar. You feel like I want to feel. You let go like I want to let go. You make me laugh, and you make me realize that there is true importance in all the small things. I find myself drifting off with strange thoughts...the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair, the taste of your skin, and the absence of mental noise. 2000 miles is a long way, but it's not impossible. It's not the distance, simply the obstacle. A hurdle of the things that might be. Inseparable. I don't feel naked around you. I don't feel apprehensive when we find our niche. I don't feel as if I have to hide, and although I am very good at concealing, I find myself wanting to share with you the most intimate of secrets. I want you to see my scars. I want you to know my anguish, my torment, my happiness, my joy. Above all else I am just a boy feigning for the affection of a girl. When we collide, let the chips fall where they may. Something is awkwardly comfortable about you. Something tells me to follow my heart. You quiet my mind. You destroy the background, and create a sanctity of which previously I was not aware of. I hope you're ready for this...