Thoughts (thoughts, thoughts)

The rain beats a somber melody on the shingles of the roof. It seems to wash this world clean of all discourse, and as it falls in sheets, I am reminded of the mortality of myself. I shine like silver at times, and other times my tarnish shows through like dark rust spots. I am my own enemy. It would seem that no matter what I do to try and become happy, I am constantly reminded that nothing in life is fair, just or moral. I take too many risks, and as the rain falls, and the smoke from my cigarette barrels out of my nostrils and my mouth, I taste the sickly sweet tobacco flavor. The radio seems to be my only friend these days, my only coherence. The trustworthy alliance that has formed between us eliminates everything. Anything. One phone call to destroy everything, and as I hung up the phone, I realized that I have made terrible decisions at times. I have made mistakes. I hid from my responsibility for a week. I'm starting to realize how alone I can be. How melancholy that makes me. I miss my old life, my feelings of accomplishment and my understanding of the world around me. I didn't have to be in control. I could just be. The drugs don't work. The fact that I self-medicate makes me more pronounced in my depression, and the sometimes the loneliness gets so intense I want to run screaming. I want to be heard. I feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a crowd and screaming at the top of my lungs yet no one hears me. People walk past me as if I don't exist. Do I exist? Maybe that's why I don't mind pain. It makes me feel alive at times. It reminds me that I am not only mortal, but capable. I couldn't ever hurt myself though. I'm fumbling my way through this feeble card-house of moral insubordination. I believe I can shine. I believe that I deserve a chance. I believe that the intensity of myself makes me want to destroy that which I love the most. Myself. My constant battle with sanity makes me hurt so bad. It makes me feel trapped inside my own skin, struggling with invisible restraints, and desperately trying to breathe. I am the water that I am drowning in. I am the reason for my own destruction. I am the madness that builds inside my head every day, slowly forcing me to connect, conform and attach. I hate myself today. I hate everything about this stupid, irresponsible boy that is staring back at me in the mirror, and I wish for one moment to be someone else. My mind echoes as the words flow out of my fingertips, parasitically needing me to afford them a voice. I don't want this voice. I don't want these thoughts. I don't want to sit here and be the muse for the twisted clown that is living inside of me. Anger has taken ahold of me and I want to lash out. I want to throw everything off this desk and scream, and cry, and remember. I want to burn old pictures of my smile. I have so many things to say. Why did you have to leave me? Why did I have to accept my fate as such? Why could I not have grabbed ahold of you and shoveled this frustration down your throat. Why can't I feel anymore? It's all your fault. Everything is all your fault. I hate every bit of you for crumbling my world, and the fact that you're happy makes me want to destroy that. I want you to know this pain. I want you to know this battle that I wage when I wake up every morning. I'm so alone. God, I'm so alone. Someone please help me, I'm slowly falling apart.