Woohoo

Angsty post last night....dreams dreams dreams. Talked to Scituate for about 4 hours, and made her phone die. I love that. She made me feel TONS better. So much so that I'm going to sweep her away. I got me a new-fangled checking account finally. I finally had the funds available to be able to open an account with one of the credit unions today. It's turning out to be a good day, so I think I'm gonna take a nap. Hope I talk to you tonight. Let's go to Dennys, and make love on the beach somewhere. Whoa, it's almost 4:20...time to get blacked. I'll talk to you today.

Thoughts (thoughts, thoughts)

The rain beats a somber melody on the shingles of the roof. It seems to wash this world clean of all discourse, and as it falls in sheets, I am reminded of the mortality of myself. I shine like silver at times, and other times my tarnish shows through like dark rust spots. I am my own enemy. It would seem that no matter what I do to try and become happy, I am constantly reminded that nothing in life is fair, just or moral. I take too many risks, and as the rain falls, and the smoke from my cigarette barrels out of my nostrils and my mouth, I taste the sickly sweet tobacco flavor. The radio seems to be my only friend these days, my only coherence. The trustworthy alliance that has formed between us eliminates everything. Anything. One phone call to destroy everything, and as I hung up the phone, I realized that I have made terrible decisions at times. I have made mistakes. I hid from my responsibility for a week. I'm starting to realize how alone I can be. How melancholy that makes me. I miss my old life, my feelings of accomplishment and my understanding of the world around me. I didn't have to be in control. I could just be. The drugs don't work. The fact that I self-medicate makes me more pronounced in my depression, and the sometimes the loneliness gets so intense I want to run screaming. I want to be heard. I feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a crowd and screaming at the top of my lungs yet no one hears me. People walk past me as if I don't exist. Do I exist? Maybe that's why I don't mind pain. It makes me feel alive at times. It reminds me that I am not only mortal, but capable. I couldn't ever hurt myself though. I'm fumbling my way through this feeble card-house of moral insubordination. I believe I can shine. I believe that I deserve a chance. I believe that the intensity of myself makes me want to destroy that which I love the most. Myself. My constant battle with sanity makes me hurt so bad. It makes me feel trapped inside my own skin, struggling with invisible restraints, and desperately trying to breathe. I am the water that I am drowning in. I am the reason for my own destruction. I am the madness that builds inside my head every day, slowly forcing me to connect, conform and attach. I hate myself today. I hate everything about this stupid, irresponsible boy that is staring back at me in the mirror, and I wish for one moment to be someone else. My mind echoes as the words flow out of my fingertips, parasitically needing me to afford them a voice. I don't want this voice. I don't want these thoughts. I don't want to sit here and be the muse for the twisted clown that is living inside of me. Anger has taken ahold of me and I want to lash out. I want to throw everything off this desk and scream, and cry, and remember. I want to burn old pictures of my smile. I have so many things to say. Why did you have to leave me? Why did I have to accept my fate as such? Why could I not have grabbed ahold of you and shoveled this frustration down your throat. Why can't I feel anymore? It's all your fault. Everything is all your fault. I hate every bit of you for crumbling my world, and the fact that you're happy makes me want to destroy that. I want you to know this pain. I want you to know this battle that I wage when I wake up every morning. I'm so alone. God, I'm so alone. Someone please help me, I'm slowly falling apart.

Lyrics

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows Turn on Winston in the den And I'm still asleep but I hear the piano play When you make breakfast after 10 And I smell the coffee on your fingers I still smell the perfume in the bed The crushed linen roses on everything And you're still inside my head You got to make her know how it feels to miss you Let her know you're swapping sides You're not the one with all the problems You're the one with all the pride So just pick your head up boy, and Walk away Walk the coolest walk that you know Cause in a month or two she'll call you You gotta hang up the phone I hope she knows I've got this memory That won't ever seem to break or bend A thick lock and sheet rock is on the windows in the kitchen I don't think I'll ever take 'em down again I've learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups And fuck ups and fake ups Things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehend But for now I'll lace up these wing tip shoes, boys And I'll go and have breakfast with my good friends You got to make her know how it feels to miss you You got to let her know you're swapping sides You're not the one with all the problems You're the one with all the pride You got to make her know how it feels to miss you Let her know you're swapping spit You're not the one with all the problems She's the one that's full of shit So just pick your head up boys and Walk away Walk the coolest walk that you know In a month or two she'll call you You got to Hang up the phone ...

As much as i ...

As much as i don't want to say this...i think i'm falling into the L word... Please be careful with my heart...it's been broken too many times.

The events of yesterday...

Yesterday was a seriously screwed up day. I went to work as usual, but something made me feel like not getting a little off canter before I left. I'm glad I didn't smoke, because it would have probably resulted in something worse that what happened. About 4pm yesterday, I was sweeping broken glass, and wood off of a trailer at the local dump. You see, right now I'm working doing vinyl siding for my cousin. It's not bad money, and it's consistent work. A lot better than my insurance ventures, yet hard work nonetheless. Anyhow, I was sweeping the glass with my right foot, a practice that I had engaged in multiple times, and as the last load was being swept off, I managed to imbed a 3 inch shard of glass into the inside of my foot, and out the top of it. I instantly started bleeding profusely, and being that the shard appeared to only be an inch or so into my shoe, and my foot I figured I had hurt myself, but not as badly as I did. Luckily Scotty was quick to think, and he grabbed a pair of pliers, and removed the glass shard. It was huge. I thought that it had just stabbed me lightly, yet as I said, it went into the side of my foot, and appeared out of the top of it. Ruined a perfectly good pair of New Balance shoes too, which pissed me off more than anything. I liked those shoes. It also sliced through a nice pair of socks, that kept me warm in the mornings. Anyhow, I was driven on the back of a trailer, and up to the entrance of the dump, whereby an ambulance was en route to pick me up. The paramedics arrived, and removed my sock, and my makeshift tourniquet. They looked at the wound, and decided that they better take me to the hospital. It was in the emergency room, that I received three stitches, two on the side of my foot, and one on the top, and was given not only one antibiotic shot, but a Tetnus shot as well. The worst part was when the Doc was cleaning the wound, he used a syringe, and it shot saline solution in from the top hole and out the side. It was pretty gross. They dressed it, and released me. Luckily Drew came to get me. We tooled around, and applied some 4:20 therapy, which seemed to help immensely. Let me state that for the record Medical marijuana should be leagalized ASAP. So now I walk with a cane, and a limp. Hopefully I'll be able to work soon. I'm pissed at the fact that I can't get around very well. When your body doesn't do what you want it to do, then it makes you feel like an invalid. Also I found out that my antibiotic is going to cost me about 100 bucks. Which I can't really afford right now, however, I guess I have to have it. Scituate may have to wait another week before she sees me due to this. Stupid foot. A talk with her seemed to make me feel tons better though, and even though I was a little off canter, we did have a pretty good conversation. I missed her all day, and to come home and have to explain that I'm a dumb ass was a humbling moment. Well, like Iggy Pop said, "Got a lust for life!" I'm still here, and yesterday for once I felt like I wasn't invincible, so it makes me realize that I can be hurt, or killed at any moment, and I should enjoy my time with the people that I love. I'm still missing her, and waiting for her to arrive, so maybe I can feel a bit better. It's going to be a while before I can drive, and walk right. Possibly a few days at the least, and maybe a week at the longest. Oh well, I guess that I'm gonna just have to be patient again. A test of my resolve is something that I need today. Honeybabe, I miss you. Hurry up and wake up.

Lyrics

Ugly Side Blue October I must have sneezedOn knees I freezeI mean I just choked upSomehow I sleptI dream, I meanI dreamt of nothingAble to breatheA sweet reliefNow that you're here with meA northern degreeDove into meNow I'm recovering(Chorus)I only want you to seeMy favorite part of meAnd not my ugly sideNot my ugly sideHook up a C.B. Wave a wayFor conversation flowI'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rageDon't let me goA kick and a scream is all that seemsTo mean a lot thus farI won't let you on my stage, my pageYou can't knowYet you have to know(Chorus)So calm... and now it's darkI look for you to light my heartI'm in between the moon and where you areI know... I can't be far

Some things I don't necessarily agree with.

Ok, for those of you that read my journal, it's very often that I post things about that special someone in my life currently. It's often that I fill pages and pages with prose, and poetry, and sometimes a subtle grasp on the lucid dreams that are my day to day thoughts. Some of you know me as sweet and silly, and others, assholish and deviod of tact. This is going to be the latter of the two. Just a warning. If you'd like to proceed, then please do. Some things that I don't necessarily agree with 1. People who forward things to me in email, and don't remove the headers. I don't want to know first off, who the fuck everyone in the world that has gotten this email about the little white frog of inner peace, is, and second off what each person's signature is. It's bad enough that I get spam in my mailbox that pisses me off, but to actually have friends that are obnoxious enough to send you forwards is just a jaunt at stupidity. Let's face it, there is no Angel of Truth, Butterfly of Happiness, Lizard of Anal Sex, or Fairy of Cock Smoking. If there was we'd have a holiday devoted to them. (hmmm...good thought) I just for once want to celebrate "Giant Moth of Stupidity day. It's on my calendar, right next to "Give Your Momma the Finger Day." 2. People who post rude comments in public forum. Although it may seem that I am being hypocritical, I am not. When someone makes a personal attack toward another person's behavior, it gets to me. Especially if that person is close to me. I'm not out here to judge anyone's behavior but my own. I am strongly opinionated, yet I think that my opinions are my right, and if someone says something destructive, conflictual, or just plain moronic, then I'm going to lash out. Stupid people piss me off, almost as much as control freaks. 3. Short emails from people checking up on you. This is the most lackadasical way of communicating. Does it mean that you're thinking about me? Does it mean you're trying a feeble attempt at talking to me after who knows how long? Does it mean that I need to slap you in the face next time I see you? I think that's the one. I think that people who send short emails, and don't include anything aside from "Hey, how are you?" should be dragged out into the streets, and beaten severely with a sock full of hot nickels. 4. People who have tried smoking pot one or two times, and claiming that drugs ruined their lives. If you have a problem controlling your substances, I don't want to hear about it. I can control my substances. I don't drink myself stupid every night. I have no patience for people who assume a lifestyle such as straightedge, just because it's cool. Fad people make me want to transmogrify into a Tyrannosaurs Rex, and eat them. Just cause you're trying hard to fit in doesn't mean that you have a right to try to change my lifestyle. This goes the same for the religion freaks too. Please form a line to the left, and the slapping will commence. 5. My final gripe, ignorance. If you're too ignorant to understand something, and instead you have to "Fake" your way through it, then kudos to you. You're a meat head who should be pushed into oncoming traffic. If you don't understand something, then ask someone who does. If you're too stupid to live, then I say let the chips fall where they may. Get a clue before you try bouncing your half-assed knowledge my way. I am not a stupid man, and I have experience in a lot of different areas. Not to say I'm not wrong sometimes, there are times when I am. I will let you know if I don't understand. The same should hold true for you. Ok, that's my bitches, I have about 15 more, but I have a friend waiting on me, so I don't want to go any farther. This is not designed to infuriate people, but if it did, then I encourage you to seek outside help. My opinions are my own, and your opinions are your own. Good luck with the introspection, don't burn the fucking house down. My $.02